Sunday, November 23, 2008

Boys, avert your eyes. This is about breasts.

I have really sad news for all my Goddesses.
Girls, our girls are losers. Our breasts failed. Our knockers aren't knocking. We are tit-defeated.

Here's the poop: I commented on the Bye Bye Pie blog, where June was telling a story about getting her mammies grammed. I told the story of our summer Goddess parties. Here is the exact comment:

"Mammograms really don't hurt after 60 because our boobies are already pancakes. They are so flat that my friends, The Goddesses, and I go skinny dipping during every full moon in summer at one of the Goddess's pools and you know those long, squishy floating tubes - I think they call them fanoodles? - well we hook our boobs over the fanoodle and see who can float. Whoever stays above water is the winner, or the loser, depending on your point of view. We have discovered that little boobs won't grab the noodle, really big boobs will keep you afloat without the noodle, and medium boobs of women with more than two children can be slung over the top and will keep you afloat long enough to survive the Titantic sinking.''

But - and sit down here or hold onto someone strong - we didn't win June's Comment Of The Week Contest! WTF???I know, I am standing here beside myself too, my mouth agape and my eyes about the size of a baseball. Our boobies are losers! And I have been thinking for decades that, collectively, we have the finest ta tas in New England - no on the East Coast.
I am so friggin depressed. As a punishment to my LOSER titties, I'm not doing a self-exam this week. That'll fix um.
Speaking of breasts, I was hopelessly stuck in my bra the other night and couldn't figure out what was wrong. I mean, I've been wearing a bra now for about 47 years. You'd think I could work one. You know the scene in Friends were Joey just snaps his fingers and bras come flying loose all over the place? Well it wasn't working for me.
I discovered
I had been wearing it all day
Either I have absolutely no ta tas to support or my bras are crap.

WAIT A MINUTE - didn't I almost go to work Friday with my SHIRT inside out too? Is it possible I have a bigger problem than second rate tits?


Mr. 618 said...

The Fonz also had that remarkable talent. Remember when he was demonstrating his abilities to Richie?

Both, of course, learned the trick from... me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Dawn Fortune said...

oh dear. Some day I will tell you stories of jewelry, but not here. It might frighten the children.

And I simply CANNOT believe you did not win a prize for your comment. It boggles the mind to consider what might have won over such a magnificent entry. Wow.

Libby's Library said...

Can't remember where I found the link to your site - but I am so glad that I've found it. This is the funniest post I've read in a long, long time. Hope that you and your ta-ta's are doing better after your "loss".